Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Where Else Could I Go?

I am an enigma.

"I believe in God with all my heart.
And in a given day ... I wonder if God even exists.
I address him and I get discouraged.
I love and I hate.
I feel better about feeling good.
I feel guilty if I don't feel guilty.
I'm wide open.
I'm locked in.
I'm trusting and suspicious.
I'm honest and I still play games.
Aristotle said I'm a rational animal.
But I'm not."

~ Brennan Manning


... also that I may with a free conscience and quiet heart,
in all manner of temptations,
afflictions, or necessities,
and even in the very pangs of death,
cry boldly and merrily unto thee,
and say:

I believe in God the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth.

~ Book of Common Prayer, 1559 edition


In John 6, he writes about the many followers of Jesus who turned away because some of his teachings were so hard for them to swallow.

They were offended; they couldn't understand; they walked away. He asked more than they wanted to give, and he only offered himself in return. They were finished. No deal.

As so many began to slip away, John says that Jesus turned to his disciples and said, "Are you also going to leave?"

I imagine their tension. Perhaps they wanted to. Perhaps an easier road was far more appealing. I get that. I do.

He called them to make a decision.

Simon Peter, one of my favorites, is the first to speak: "Lord, to whom would we go?"

I get this story anew. It makes sense to me.

I struggle to reconcile what I know about God and how he cares for those he loves.

I feel like he asks me everyday, in the pages of my journal, "What about you? Are you going to leave?"

I want to. Screw all of this.

But where would I go?

As the spirit in me threatens to be snuffed by sorrow and loss (of love, security, identity, confidence, the list goes on...), it seems he offers my only hope for life again, for coming back to life myself.

Where else could I go?


Terry said...

that is something... that question, "lord to whom would be go?"
this passage has always saddened me when i imagined the sad and pleading question of the lord as he faces his beloved disciples..."are you also going to leave?"....just to think that he loves us so much that he doesn't WANT us to turn our backs and walk away.
i know not what sadness you have tricia because i have never been through what you have gone through.
just this sunday, i asked gracie,[my widowed sister] if she still sometimes wonders "why"? and she said she did.
he was my brother-in-law and i told grace that every so often, that same question plagues me, "why oh lord"?
i love your honesty and you know what tricia, "simon peter" has always been my favourite terry

Mrs. MK said...

In the darkest days, I wanted to get away from God, from what he had done to me.

But there was always the faint whisper of Jesus, and I knew He was right. There is no where else to go.